The VBAC That Almost Didn't Happen

I had my first baby in November 2021. It was seemingly the healthiest pregnancy journey one could imagine. Health was 10/10. I'd workout every day. No nausea. No unrealistic food cravings. Lots of time on my hands to chill and do whatever it was that makes my heart happy. This however was in the thick of covid. The second wave if I remember correctly. I'd spend my days reading many great books on childbirth and the beauty of it. My husband and I would watch some educational videos together. It was all wonderful. I kept thinking my birth too will be like the stories in "Ina May Gaskin's guide to childbirth' - Blissful, slow, untouched.

I went for my routine check up at 39 weeks and the doctor said she wants to do an internal examination. I freaked out. But thought it was okay, protocol is for a reason. She did an internal check and said cervix feels soft. You must be ready. Then while dressing up I saw blood. That didn't look right. I asked the nurse and she said 'Thoda hoega blood fir theek ho jayega'.

As I opened the curtain I heard her tell my husband that she did a membrane sweep. Because my body seems ready and the baby has grown enough. I felt violated and insulted at the same time. She did some procedure before asking me and then goes on to explain it to the man in the room before explaining it to the owner of the body she chose to violate. I didn't say anything. Just heard what she was saying. She said this is nothing, if labour has to start it will start in then next 48 hours or it won't. The next 48 hours are etched in my memory as a terrible feeling of not knowing my body, feeling scared that labour might start and I won't know what to do. So all I did was sleep. I slept for 4 hours that afternoon. I woke up only because my friends were visiting to see me before the baby arrived but I wasn't able to enjoy their company at all and I just didn't know why.

Labour did not start but now I was scared. What if I don't go into labour ever. I started having weird thoughts. One night I felt strange in my stomach so I kept timing the strange feeling all night and didn't sleep, only for it to be the diarrhea I got from eating chole bhature the previous night.

It was the day of our 40 week checkup. That morning I woke up very happy. The weather suddenly got cool. We took our dog for a really long walk and then had a neighbour's dog over for a play date. After that we went to the hospital for the routine check up. I was happy but had a little back pain. As part of this we were asked to go for a non stress test before the check up. Had to be strapped to a bed for an hour and half and nurses kept coming in to check like there was something wrong. Then a nurse came in to ask if I was in pain. I said no. I had a slight back ache but that felt like it was from lying down for so long in one position.

We went into the doctor's office and she said " take off your pants we need to do an internal check."Again! I thought" She did a check and then she said "Bacha you are in labour, did you not realise? You are 4 centimeters dilated and then showed me some blood on her fingers."

Now I was super confused. It shouldn't be this easy right. But I was also happy that it wasn't as painful or dramatic as I was expecting it to be. One nurse and the assistant then quickly took me aside and pretty much shoved me all the way to the labour room. My husband was taken directly to the billing desk. We didn't get to speak to each other. Just made eye contact and smiled - "Yay! you finish billing and then meet me there" is what we meant.

In the labour room i asked the assistant if this was supposed to feel like this because i feel very happy and can even run around if I need to. She said I should feel lucky because at 4 cms women are usually screaming.

Then i was stripped off my clothes and put into a hospital gown. Then some IV things were brought in. Then one CTG machine was wheeled in. They wrote my name on the white board in the room and everyone left. One nurse then came in and connected the IV to a cannula. I asked why they were doing this, they said the Doctor said so. The doctor then came in for exactly 5 seconds to say 12 baje start karo fir 30 mins, and then left. No explanation whatsoever of what will start.

I was given a watery thing in a cup to drink. I said I was hungry but got just one small tea cup of dal ka paani. Then the IV was set up and the liquid started flowing. I didn't know what to expect. And then suddenly all the nurses left the room. In a few minutes I got a really strong contraction. I held on to the side of the bed and cried. I then called for a nurse to ask what was happening. She said the doctor on rounds will come. The doctor on rounds came and said they are doing something called augmentation. I was too scared to even ask what or why it was needed.

Then I was super thirsty. I called the nurse to give me water. She gave me my bottle from my bag and said don't drink too much, only small sips. My body started feeling trapped. I wanted to move. But I couldn't. Then in some time I asked if I could go pee. The nurse said okay like I asked for a huge favour. SHe removed the IV line and let me go. Then said 'don't shut the door'. I came out and connected it again. That bathroom trip felt so good. Just walking felt so good. Then another contraction and I tried standing up and leaned forward. Then the nurse came and pressed my back and it felt very good. I said I need to pee again. I went and there I overheard the doctor on rounds saying not to let me go again after this.

After this, my doctor's assistant came and said she needs to do an internal check. That did not feel right or good. I squirmed. SHe almost yelled at me saying she has a hook in her hand and I could get hurt. In my head I was like 'what hook, why hook'. Then she casually mentioned that she broke the bag of waters and there's no meconium like it is something I should be happy about. Then she proceeded to do something very uncomfortable. I asked what she's doing, she said she's putting a catheter so i don't need to walk to the bathroom.

At the same time the CTG machine got strapped on. Now I couldn't move at all.

I spent some time like this taking contractions with nurses walking in only to ask me mid contraction if I am sure I don't want an epidural. Then one nurse came in and spoke in my mother tongue. She thought that would comfort me. But I don't speak it very fluently and through contractions I could barely understand what she was saying. I only could tell once that she said if I had taken an epidural I would have been better. I finally gave in and asked, "can I take it now?"

By now I was fully disconnected from my body, my legs were propped up and nurses kept coming to look into my vagina like they were checking the cricket score every 5 mins. I didn't feel ashamed or embarrassed, I was numb. I then asked for the doctor on rounds that i really want to move. She said if I move the cord will get delivered before the baby and that's the risk. Until then the only explanation nurses had was that your doctor doesn't approve of you moving.

I said, get me an epidural. She checked and said you are at 8 cms. Let me ask. Then the nurse came in and sat me up. A new doctor walked in all cheerful. He was so happy I could punch him. He then asked, why didn't you take an epidural earlier? I said I thought I could do it and he just gave a little laugh.

I got the epidural. Now I was calm. I took a few contractions and then finally my doctor walked in. again for exactly 1 min. She did an internal check and asked the nurse to make me do squats. She said let's see till 5pm. I had 30 mins to squat my baby out.

With an epidural the nurse had to hold me fully to get me to squat. She made me vertical and I threw up. I was exhausted and had so much bile come out from the intense hunger I had been feeling since i got there at 11 am. We did two squats and then threw up again. I said I need to lie down. The doc came in once again and for 15 seconds she looked and said 'inse nahi ho payega'. In the next five mins i had forms handed to me for signatures. All this while i had been chatting with my husband on whatsapp telling him what was happening whenever i was conscious because he wasn't allowed inside. Another thing we weren't prepared for because we planned to welcome the baby together.

"Finding an educator or birth partner can go a long way in helping you follow your intuition during birth."

He too got some forms to sign. Then I was taken to the operation theatre. Tears rolled down my eyes throughout. I felt defeated. There were so many people in the room and I was lying there naked. My body parts all showing and cold. Two men who were anesthesiologists were trying to talk to me to make me comfortable but failing. All I could think of was that I failed.

In the next 10 mins, the baby was out. The anesthesiologist said it's a boy. All I did was cry. He then asked ' why are you crying now, your baby is here'. For some time they did something to him at a nearby desk. I wasn't wearing my glasses so I could barely see. Then one nurse pointed his genitals at me to confirm that it was a boy. They then brought his face close to mine for a quick kiss and then took him away. I fell asleep. Then in a bot they brought him back all clean and wrapped and pinched my nipple and pointed his mouth to my breast. He latched beautifully and then was taken away in a few seconds.

I was then wheeled to the recovery room. Barely conscious. Or maybe I was taken earlier but moved when I woke up. I couldn't tell how long it had been. Then after some time they brought a baby and kept him next to me. This was the first time I could hold him. I was still lying down, unable to move because of anesthesia. I was thankful He was alive and I was alive. But somehow I felt like I had failed.

We knew we wanted to have two kids but the constant ringing of the words 'inse nahi ho payega' in my head, pushed me into a dark place mentally. I believed I wasn't capable of doing anything. It wasn't until my son's second birthday that I realised what was happening. I had started doubting my ability as a mother. I kept reading more and more research work and books in a hope of understanding why I wasn't able to give birth naturally. I read all these articles and posts about how abdominal births are also valid birth experiences but it just didn't seem to help. All my reading led me to understand that just having support of someone i knew, and would advocate for me could have changed how i felt about the whole experience. So I decided I want to be a birth worker.

After all this reading and study, I considered becoming a lamaze educator. I believe mothers need a strong support system and the current family systems just don't provide for that. I met Dr. Vijaya when I enrolled for the Lamaze childbirth educator course. The three days of seminar healed something in me. All this while I knew something was off in the way my first baby was born, but after speaking to my mentor Dr. Vijaya and other attendees of the seminar, I knew I was right in feeling that way. Childbirth is the single most impactful event in a woman's life that can influence the course of her entire life after it. And yet we take that so lightly.

Anyway, after that we were expecting our second child and I knew I wanted to give myself another chance of feeling the transformative power of a natural birth. My husband and I prepared for it this time. Natural birth was all we spoke about for months.Through this time I spoke to a lot of birth workers and doctors in Delhi NCR. From most doctors I didn't receive a definite yes for trial of labour. It was either 'We shall see after 37 weeks' or 'anyway the scar will start thinning and it will be a c-section'. I knew hyderabad and Sanctum was the best place for me but the logistics just didn't seem to work out.

We decided we should just go meet Vijaya ma'am in person once. We had spoken to her on video calls before that. We made a quick trip to Hyderabad for a weekend. That was it. We knew we'd be in the right hands if we came here. Once we spoke to her, no one else we met after that could match up to the empathy and confidence she had. As soon as we got back, our toddler said 'I like that doctor. We should go there.' We hadn't discussed this in front of him until then. It just made our decision easier. We travel a lot with our toddler. So we decided to treat this as one really long vacation. We stayed in a beautiful Airbnb close to Sanctum. We made a sightseeing plan and stepped out every day to see a new spot, try a new restaurant or a park. The Hyderabad Zoo and botanical garden are our favorites.

At 38 weeks, we had our appointment with Dr. Vijaya and I was a little anxious. Nearing the end of my patience with this longish vacation, I asked ma'am when do you think this baby will come? What she said after pretty much changed the next few weeks for us. She said, try not to get into predictive mode. Baby will come when they have to. We are prepared for whenever that is. All you need to do is stay healthy, stay active and enjoy. Predictive mode will only cause more anxiety. Until then we had not realised that all our sight seeing plans had stopped at 38 weeks. Because with our first baby, we were advised not to step out of home if we don't have to and definitely not head to a place more than 30 mins from the hospital.

We resumed our Hyderabad vacation after that. We visited friends who live in the city and enjoyed the delicious food the city had to offer. By this point, my Braxton Hicks kept getting more frequent and more intense every night. After 39 weeks, the braxton Hicks started to feel different. I could feel the contractions in my back and needed to focus on my breath every time I had one.

On 28th September, i got an email with my Lamaze certified childbirth educator exam results. I passed. I was so happy that I couldn't sleep. We decided to celebrate all day, the next morning. We went out to our favorite spot for dosa, then to the botanical garden. While having Lunch at another one of our favorite restaurants. I started to feel the contractions. I knew labor had started but I was still in denial. I told my husband I think it is time but then we continued with our day as planned. We got home and took a nap with a toddler. Went out to the park once again. Went to a local temple near our Airbnb. I took the stairs to come back home. Thinking this might just be better than doing my daily workout. Cooked dinner and fed my toddler. We had a fun movie night as a family and then put my toddler to sleep. By this point the contractions had become very intense so I packed as much as I could while watching the movie. Then while putting our toddler to sleep, I realized the contractions are very close together and extremely intense. Now I needed to stop whatever I was doing during contractions. I texted my husband a list of things that are pending to be packed while putting my toddler to sleep. Once he was asleep I got out of the room and told my husband it is time we need to go tonight. But he couldn't believe it because it shouldn't be this simple, right? We timed the contractions and they were about 4 and 1/2 to 5 minutes apart and very consistent . Around 1:00 a.m. we started to head to the birth centre. We packed everything we could think of and my husband carried our toddler and the bags. From the bedroom until the main door I had three contractions and had to stop every 2 minutes.

When we got there, our midwife took us to the room we were supposed to stay in and checked my dilation. I was nearly fully dilated by then. I was super excited. I didn't sound excited. Just when she said okay, "I need to call ma'am" the involuntary pushing started. After that point every contraction was just what I expected it to be. My body was doing all it could to get the baby out. My toddler was with us and my husband was trying to get him to go back to sleep. It was really hard for him to fall asleep knowing that something was happening to his mumma. I had told him his baby will be here when he wakes up in the morning.

This must be around 3 am. I think that's when Vijaya ma'am came. I remember feeling a sense of relief when I saw her face. I opened my eyes and she was smiling at me from the door of the room. I said 'hi'. We had a brief exchange of hellos before which the next contraction came.

After this time seemed to go by very quickly for me. Contractions were very intense but felt very good. I wasn't fighting it. I felt in control. My eyes were shut and all I knew was something deep within me was shifting. Squeezing, moving and turning. I didn't want anyone to touch me. At the slightest touch from anyone, my body would shiver and I'd scream 'No'.

By this time my husband put my son to sleep in another room and came back. Almost one contraction later, my baby's head started to show. Almost like she was waiting for my husband. He came and stood by my head and gave me a brief hug. His touch didn't make my body rattle.

Ma'am asked if I wanted to try pushing in the tub. The water felt really nice at first but I didn't like the feeling of water moving at all. My body again kept shivering when anyone tried to touch me or the water moved after they put their hand or the net in. Water is supposed to feel good, right? For me, it didn't. Only my husband's touch seemed to help me stay calm. No one else could touch me. We moved back on to the bed and I was on my hands and knees when suddenly I started to bleed.

Then all of a sudden I hear ma'am spring into action saying 'She is bleeding'. She came in, tried to check, I didn't let her. She turned me on my back, checked my c section scar to see if it was hard or painful. She asked if I was feeling dizzy or weak or cold. She asked a nurse to check my temperature. It was normal. Blood pressure - normal. I said I am feeling okay. She then asked different members on the team to get things. I could hear it all in slow motion. Every word rang loudly in my ears. Was it going to be a repeat c-section? I just didn't want those words to come back. I was transported back to 2021, that hospital labour room and that doctor saying 'Inse nahi ho payega' on loop. I kept saying 'I can do it' in my head, over and over. But the loop didn't stop. No one could hear me. I then scream 'I CAN DO IT'. In one big push my baby was out. Ma'am put the baby on me. Slippery, slimy, pink, white purple. I couldn't believe it. I did it. I looked at Akshar and said I did it. I couldn't look at the baby. I was looking at everyone else. Now all the loud sounds had drowned out.

The team left the room for some time to let us enjoy this moment. We just sat there in silence. That was something. The team came in a little while later to assess if I needed stitches and went about the process. My son woke up a few minutes later and was brought in. He was so happy to see the little baby, not in my tummy but now outside. He said "My baby is here".

That day 29 september, 2024 will forever remain the best day for us as a family.